LoBD

Don't let old resolutions run your life.
Be free and follow your heart.

Every moment you're a new person; this is really hard to realize / very hard to see / most of the time I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and there's no way out and nothing is ever going to change; if I make a 'resolution' one day it will be blown out of the water the next -- oh hi matt -- here I am -- guess what -- same basement -- still alone -- spend all time by myself -- did the same thing in 5th grade on -- what else is new!

But we really do change all the time. It really helps to remember this, if you consider it: we are dynamic beings. My own rut is romance. I WILL NEVER FIND A WOMAN AND IF I DID IT WOULDN'T MATTER BECAUSE ROMANTIC LOVE IS IDOLATROUS = EVERYONE DIES AND IF I FIND SOMEONE I'LL LOSE HER and then be really sad and my whole life sucks and why am I put in this tiny box to rot and die, what kind of life is this?!?!!?!

And that is my rut!!!!

But I am not the same person every day! And I will tell you why:

If I ever fantasized about a relationship (which I have probably every day for millions of years) it had DYNAMICS.

What do I mean by that? I want to grow with someone. I don't want to stagnate. I want to grow. I don't want to forget my past. History is fun when you carry it with you like a tool and not as a big burden you bear on your back.

OH bent forward- spine compresses - OH that hurt can you hear the crack? That is the sound of pain when you carry history like a burden! Do not put it on your back, it will compress your spine!

I always thought of a relationship being really great because you could grow with someone. Share your lives. Have a history together.

I always wanted it - never found it. And maybe I never will, with a woman.

But I am a child of God. I am a human being just like everyone else. Am I stupid to believe in God? See: "screw what other people think"

If I had a relationship with a woman I highly doubt I would care at all what other people thought of her. Who cares? It would be OUR relationship - man and woman - who else do you need?

Well I've found that with myself and God...I'm starting to wonder, who else do I need? I'm in a dynamic relationship that I've dreamed about simply by realizing that my history matters to God; I am a human being; I am a child of God; I am IN a dynamic relationship. I am constantly changing and growing and developing. Nothing is stagnating. The future builds on the past -- we are in an eternal progression --

Buddhism says the self is an illusion. I say that the self is not an illusion: the illusion is that the self is stagnant, or stagnating.

You are not the same old you. You are a day older today. And tomorrow you will be another day older than you are today -- you will have more history under your belt -- if you take it off your back and tote it on your side like a pistol - really cool cowboy - BANG BIFF POW POP - you will shoot negativity right between the eyeballs

Well okay, that's probably my mania talking. BUT!!! This is what I mean. If I get really depressed and suicidal, which I probably will within the next several hours / next day / whenever this phase passes, I will be prone to thinking what you said:

That I am the same old me, etc. -- that I am stagnating, not growing, and am not in a dynamic relationship with anyone or anything.

Mental and emotional stress will do this. It wears the hell out of you; all that positivity I'm exuding now just vanishes in an instant.

So what's important to keep in mind during those intense bouts with loneliness, frustration, and hopelessness, is that it's another experience being added to your history: another log in your relationship with God.

It also helps to think of God as our rock, and that means, not to the exclusion of everything else. I enjoy being able to post on this site. I may feel that my energy and inspiration comes from God and not other people, but I love people and though I might say otherwise, deep down I really want to have at least some friends and not to be completely alone.

If you have to be completely alone, I still think it's best to take it positively and to remember that God is always with you. But again, that doesn't mean that we don't need other people. See the paradox? Contradiction? The universe came from nothing: God created everything from nothing: however you want to say it, this entire world comes from a contradiction. Such is the reason for faith, and the nature thereof.

You are a new person every day. You are in a dynamic relationship. If it helps you, I will tell you this: it helps me to believe that none of our suffering is in vain, and that our silent suffering does not go unheard. A 'dynamic relationship' simply by realizing that you are growing every day may feel disheartening after a while, which is that feeling you mentioned in the info on this entry.

I want you to be ENheartened. Every heartbeat comes after the one that went before it; every heartbeat is a new experience, but it's new in the sense that it is one more step along the journey. So it's like an old couple. They may feel sad because they are getting old and dying. But life is temporary; who's to say that death isn't temporary too? That makes sense to me.

And also, though they're old, they've shared a life and have been -- and still are -- and always will be -- in a dynamic relationship with each other.

In reality I think it's like everyone is in a dynamic relationship with God -- then we share that with other people -- so our relationships with other people are like very nice bonuses or something? I am not sure quite how to explain this.

Main point: you are growing. Think of a tree that never dies. Physical death may just be like pruning a tree. Dead branches etc. fall down -- and fertilize the tree so it can keep growing. You are constantly moving forward -- that is an uplifting thought.

Not the same. Not in the past. Moving forward -- pain is going to heal -- if you look for a way, you will find it -- we ask god for help - we're heard -- we are moving forward in time and space -- quantum physics can say whatever it wants: see "screw what other people think" - I believe we are moving forward; dynamic relationship; time is coming for more learning - more pain to heal - more relationships to be formed and old relationships to be recovered - 'never hurts to have a little faith' - wink wink - nudge nudge - the truth is already in your heart

thanks for sharing